The New Alphabet

The alphabet consists of the following twenty-two letters:

A B C D E F G H I L M N O P Q R S T V X Y Z

Designers of the alphabet have aimed at limiting redundancy and confusion, as the eliminated letters are easily substituted by those remaining.  Reception has been positive.

A variety of new alphabets have been proposed, their advocates ranging from the Chicago Manual of Style and the Modern Languages Association to BizLetter.com and Streete Leengo.

The only thing certain about the new alphabet is the fact of change.

The new alphabet consists of the following twenty letters:

A B C D E G H I K L M N O P R S T U W Z

Writer’s groups have hailed the introduction of the new alphabet as a great leap forward towards greater literacy, phonemic clarity, and longer weekends.

The new alphabet was introduced with a surprisingly large amount of fanfare, considering that it would have no effect on most people’s consumption of media.

The new alphabet consists of twenty letters, allowing for easy correspondence to the twenty fingers and toes (combined) possessed by standard-model human beings.  (Enhanced human beings are encouraged to double up or apply punctuation as appropriate.)

The new alphabet consists of the following thirteen letters:

A C E G I K M O Q S U W Z

It has been designed for fairness most of all.

Proponents of the new alphabet praise the versatility of its combinations as well as the simplicity of its design.  Environmental activists admire the new alphabet’s promise of lessened ink, paper, photon, and electricity consumption.

The new alphabet consists of the following sixteen letters:

A S D F G H J K L Z X C V B N M

Peripheral manufacturers promise a new generation of sleek, low-impact keyboards featuring a desktop footprint reduced by as much as 33%.

Educators have called for new alphabets with even fewer extraneous letters, arguing that scores on standardized verbal tests can only rise thereby.

Librarians report that the new alphabet has already freed up shelf space previously taken up by redundant, unnecessary type.

The new alphabet consists of the following ten letters:

P O I U Y T R E B A

This new alphabet has the advantage of a higher ratio of vowels to consonants, and also reverses the biases inherent in more traditional (and heretofore unchallenged) alphabetical orders.

The new alphabet will open up new careers in retrofit spelling.

Some have called for a new alphabet that abandons the obsolete paradigm imagining letters as individual pieces of linotype.  Productive suggestions have included purely digital, chromatic, and tonally based phonemic analogues.

In a long-expected announcement, the Vatican Alphabetic Council called on world Catholics to support the proposed new Latinate uncial alphabet.

Wags in the San Francisco performance art community have debuted a new alphabet composed entirely of meat.

The new alphabet consists of the following thirty-two letters:

G H J Œ K L Q W E S ¥ D F É Z X C V B N Æ M R T Y ∂ U I O P A Ω

Proponents applaud the expanded possibilities of combination in an alphabet nearly 24% larger than the traditional array.

Cyberlogicians at MIT have proposed an infinitely expandable alphabet based on individual characters for distinct words, the number of letters in a text’s alphabet precisely equaling the number of words.  Reading then becomes, inherently, a process of translation.

The new alphabet is neither more nor less than is necessary.

The new alphabet will eventually come to be accepted as normal, then presumed to be natural, and finally unexamined as necessary.  Users will come to believe that, as with alphabets before, the new alphabet is a reflection of the way things are, rather than vice-versa.